Stranger: u have a big cock lmao just kidding

You: I only keep hens, I’m afraid


You: Hi

Stranger: hi my name is peter

You: Hello Peter

Stranger: hello

Stranger: most people disconnect when i say im peter

You: Why?

You: Actually, I can probably guess why

Stranger: probably because im not a horny girl with skype or msn

You: That would be my guess

You: Well you could still be a horny girl with Skype

You: But you just happen to be called Peter

Stranger: what do you mean

You: Well, being called Peter doesn’t mean you can’t be a horny female. It would just be a little odd

Stranger: hi my name is peter

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Question to discuss:
Would you rather be an ostrich or kangaroo?

Stranger 2: kangaroo

Stranger 1: kangaroo

Stranger 1: yeah

Stranger 1: we’re gangsta

Stranger 2: what kind of question is that

Stranger 1: a…

Stranger 1: Buddhist question?

Question to discuss:
my dick is hard now

Stranger: well then perhaps you should rub one out

You: With an eraser?

Stranger: eh i mean if your into that kind of thing

You: Or Tipex. I find that helps if you’re trying to rub something out

Stranger: Also we need another one on what to do in case someone attacks you armed with a banana, I’d say

You: Well that one’s obvious. First, you peel the banana, then you eat the banana. Then you shoot the person who had the banana.

Stranger: My, why have I never thought of that! Quite beautiful …

You: Except that doesn’t work against the Banana King

You: So don’t try that against him

Stranger: It doesn’t?

You: No

Stranger: That’s a shame ..

You: That’s because….. YOU are the Banana King!

Stranger: O:

Stranger: How did you see through me!?

You: Well Sire, your peeled goodness is too hard to miss

Stranger: Oh, I take it this is a compliment

You: I’m glad

You: Offending the Banana King would be the LAST thing I’d want to do

Stranger: Quite rightly so

You: But for all you know I could be a spy sent from the Apple King’s Court of the Golden Delicious

Stranger: Hmmmm .. maybe you are

Stranger: I believed you a crazed carrot though

You: I can’t be. Surely you know that carrots can’t use apostrophes? It’s their one written weakness

Stranger: .. Or are you Bananibal Lector!?

Stranger: Of course, of course

You: And Bananabil Lector hasn’t been seen for years. I presumed he was dead

You: But I guess a Banana King such as yourself can never be too careful

You: The pineapple slice of Damocles dangling over his head at all times

Stranger: They are dangerously close!#

Stranger: This damn pineapple allergy …

You: But no Sire, I am a messenger from the Kingdom of Custard, come to offer truce between our domains.

You: For too long have your kind been slathered in our custardy goodness

Stranger: Now, that is surprising

Stranger: Tell me, how are you friends from Fishfingers doing?

You: Well, Sire. Though since The Doctor’s little culinary experiment, our relations have been…difficult

Stranger: That is quite unnerving to hear .. I hope you will not engage in a war again? We would not condone such violent behaviour in our kitchen again …

You: That is for our good King Ambrosia to decide

Stranger: Agh! King Ambrosia, what does he know? He is old and has fallen victim of the falsetelling of his advisor, Plumtongue, I believe

You: Alas, ’tis true. We await the arrival of the Vanilla Wizard to reheat our cold, custardly Lord

You: Otherwise known as Gandalf the Grape

Stranger: And quite hope he will be taking the chop-its to Icecreamgard!

You: Indeed, Sire

Stranger: Those chop-its are getting on my nerves, tiny little buggers ..

You: So, may I announce to our king you seek a truce?

Stranger: A truce, a truce .. yes, yes. With a cherry on top!

You: I am most pleased to hear it, my Liege. I shall take my leave immediately with the good news

You: Good bye my Banana King friend. May you never be sliced or peeled

Question to discuss:
Disconnect and I shove my foot up your ass.

You: :O

Stranger: You’d have to get here first O:

You: They can’t be in two places at once

Stranger: That is true

You: But then no time frame is given

You: So it could be years in the future

Stranger: Oh dear

You: Crafty…

Stranger: Imagine that .. we’re like retired happy old people doing the shopping at some place ..

Stranger: and then .. this person comes up and shoves their food up your ass …

You: But, Mr Anderson, how can they shove a foot up your ass if they have no….feet?

Stranger: Haha

You: I’m not sure it’d be hilarious or not if the person turned out to be Heather Mills

Stranger: What does she have to do with it?

You: Well she has no foot

Stranger: Doesn’t she have one?

You: Technically, yes. But I’m counting on her using that one for balance

Stranger: Hmm .. she could be hanging from the ceiling then it would work

You: I think the lesson there is to stay outdoors at all times

You: Unless she’s secretly a bat

You: In which case, you’re probably fucked

You: Game Over

You: Your ass is getting bat foot up there

Stranger: Yeah that would be quite horrible

You: You’d probably hear some kind of bat screech before she got you

Stranger: Staying outdoors at all times can also fuck in other ways, but let’s not think about that

You: Yeah, technically it would mean you were homeless

You: Or Bear Grylls

Stranger: Now if I knew what Bear Grylls is I might be able to find this witty

You: Google it

Stranger: Am

Stranger: Aha, yes, seems familiar that dude

You: Hmm, Bear Grylls versus BatMills

Stranger: I’m betting on Bear

You: Well Bear Grylls just seems to drink his piss a lot, which wouldn’t offer much defence against BatMills’ ass attacks

Stranger: Maybe it makes him secretly immune to it and that is the reason why he does it indeed

You: I like your thinking

You: Kind of like the only person on the planet who realises the threat BatMills poses?

Stranger: Yup, perhaps he is

Stranger: It might seem crazy to us … but he is sure his time will come and he will be prepared ..

You: Yes, but then what defence does he have against Manbearpig? If he’s concentrated all his efforts on BatMills, he’s vulnerable to Manbearpig

Stranger: Uhuh, that will get him for sure

You: OK, so if you’re in a fight with Bear Grylls, you now know that you need to shout ‘Oh God! It’s Manbearpig!’ and BOOM! He’ll stop quaffing his own piss and run to the nearest forest

Stranger: That is very useful information

Stranger: I bet BatMill thinks so too

You: Someone should put it in a pamphlet

You: Hi

Stranger: male from india

Stranger: u

You: Emu from Tasmania

Stranger: m/f

You: I’m a pretty female Emu

You: I have wonderful plumage

Stranger: would u like friendly chat

You: Sure

Stranger: my name jaimin

Stranger: age

Stranger: r u there

Stranger: hello

Stranger: r u there

You: Yes I’m here

You: Sorry

You: Takes a long time to type with feather

You: *feathers

You: See?

You: Typos

You: It’s amazing I’m even typing to be honest

You: Someone should probably inform National Geographic

Stranger: age

You: About 8. We emus don’t live very long

Stranger: i dont follow what you say

Stranger: very confused

Stranger: be simple

You: I am an emu

Stranger: but emu tell me something about u

Stranger: you might not be female i dont bother

Stranger: i just want to chat with u

You: What to tell? I live in a zoo, it’s rather nice. Fairly easy lifestyle, broadband access as you can see. Oh and I don’t mind posing for pictures so long as the visitors don’t gawk

You: How’s life in India?

Stranger: i have enjoyed sex in my life to the extent 4 times of any normal person in life

You: You have sex four times the number of the average human, or you have had sex four times with normal people?

Stranger: first part is correct

You: How’s that working out for you?

You: Emus tend to only have sex during December and January, and to be honest, the picking’s not great in captivity

Stranger: now i m satisfied .

You: Well that’s just lovely

Stranger: not westing my time in such talk

You: I can’t afford to waste time, I only have about 10 years left if I’m lucky.

You: Short life span, remember?

Stranger: what do u say about your life

Stranger: who r your friends

Stranger: what is your liking

You: My friends? Well, there are a few penguins quite close to my enclosure. They’re OK, bit pesky though. And they have a curious obsession for a certain type of chocolate bar named after them (though if I heard the keeper correctly, they don’t really sell them anymore -don’t tell the penguins though)

You: I don’t trust the lions. They keep looking at me in a slightly crazed way

You: I’d think they were plotting something, but thankfully their lack of opposable thumbs means they can’t do much behind bars

You: Between you and me, I think they’re a bit…..’slow’. Not the brightest sparks

You: King of the animals my fluffy behind!

Stranger: what is your hobbies

You: Mostly just running around, to be honest. Occasionally I try to hassle the visitors (I especially like if I can frighten the little ones), but it’s mostly just strut around, bobbing my neck.

You: Oh and preening

You: Love a good preen, I do

Stranger: o.k. thank you friend. see u. bye

You: Bye bye!

You: Remember to always be nice to emus!

Stranger: ya bye bye

Your conversational partner has disconnected.